Meditation Of The Week: October 1-7

Today I woke up with a desperation for change over my life, my relationships, in my mind, my finance, and my beliefs.

Every dream or vision I’ve envision for myself I short changed them by fearing all that could go wrong. I talk myself out of the very things I’ve prayed for many times. I’ll take all of the necessary actions to obtain my goals but just in the whim of a fearful thought I’d stop. I fall back to my comfort zone and pacify myself with reasons why this couldn’t work for me anyways.

This vicious cycle had been the theme of my twenties. I played small and would leap in faith only if I can see how far I was jumping.

Last night I went to sleep aggravated and woke up desperate for change.

Something had to give.

I’ve finally come to a place in my life where I am intentionally making choice’s to change the habits, thought patterns and beliefs that contradicts with the woman I am becoming. This is a power I found in me while doing the inner work.

I’ve now entered the season where who I am now, can no longer operate with the limited or ‘safe’ beliefs I once held as truth.

This morning I sat in complete silence and cried out a prayer that was different from my usual morning prayers; with fewer words I sat there with an open heart instead. I strongly believe God was waiting for me to come this far by my own will.

I sat there for almost a half an hour and said amen after receiving my marching orders for the week. I got up and reached in my bookshelf for one of Howard  Thurman books, to end my prayer. I read the first sentence and got all emotional. These were the words I was trying to say but I could’t. My lips would not utter these words aloud because the truth as we all know, hurts entirely to much. Subconsciously I didn’t want to admit this ugly part in me.

But now I am open. Desperate for change. Even if it means getting uncomfortable, I am ready.

This is my meditation of the week.

To Overcome Evil 

I seek the strength to overcome evil.

I seek the strength to overcome the tendency to evil in my own heart.

I recognize the tendency to do the unkind thing when the mood of retaliation or revenge rides high in my spirit;

I recognize the tendency to make of others a means to my own ends;

I recognize the tendency to yield to fear and cowardice when fearlessness and courage seem to fit easily into the pattern of my security.

I seek the strength to overcome the tendency to evil in my own heart.

I seek the strength to overcome the evil that is present all about me.

I recognize the evil in much of the organized life about me; I recognize the evil in the will to power as found in-groups, institutions, individuals;

I recognize the terrible havoc of hate and bitterness which makes for fear and panic in the common life.

I seek the strength to overcome the evil that is present all about me.

I seek the strength to overcome evil; I must not be overcome by evil.

I seek the purification of my own heart, the purging of my own motives;

I seek the strength to withstand the logic of bitterness, the terrible divisiveness of hate, the demonic triumph of the conquest of others.

What I seek for myself I desire with all my heart for friend and foe alike.

I seek the strength to overcome evil. 

By Howard Thurmond

Excerpted from Meditations Of The Heart (Beacon Press, 1981), 164-165 By Howard Thurmond

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